Jokes 2012-01

Holy Cow Restaurant:
Isang babae at isang lalake kumakain. Maya-maya napansin ng waiter na unti-unting dumadausdos ang babae hanggang nawala sa ilalim ng mesa.
WAITER: “Excuse me sir, bawal po yan. Pumunta sa ilalim ng mesa ang Mrs. nyo.
LALAKE (dedma): “Hindi…ayan sya papasok pa lang sa pinto ng resto.”

Akyat Bahay
Juan: Bos pano natin to nnakawin e nakapadlock?
Pedro: Tnga ka ba? Gagamitin natin yung lagari para masira.
Juan: Ah ganun ba? Boss hindi naman siya nakalock e….
Pedro: Hay! Kung hindi ka ba naman isang malaking tnga. Edi ilock mo muna para malagari natin tapos ska natin nanakawin.
 
How Irresponsible
My Wi-Fi suddenly stopped working
Then I realized that my neighbors haven’t paid the bills…how irresponsible”
 
Brownout
Puno to Erap: Sorry sir, nalate ako. Grabe ang brownout sa Shangrila. 1 oras kami sa elevator bago nagkakuryente.
Erap to Puno: It’s okay. Pareho lang naman tayo. Mas apektado nga kami ng brown out na iyan. Nasa Intercon kami ni Jinggoy. 2 oras kami sa escalator bago nagkakuryente. Grabe.
 
New SIM card
Woman buys a new SIM, puts it in her phone and thought of surprising her husband who is in the living room.
She goes to the kitchen and calls her husband, “Hello, Darling!”
The husband, in hush tones, replies, “Let me call you back, honey, the dumb lady is in the kitchen.”
 
Great Insult..
WOMAN: “I have changed my mind!”
MAN: “Thank God, But does the new one works?”
 
Anak ng F
Tatay: anak!! anong itong F sa card mo ha!!
Anak: (nag-iisip) tatay Fasado po ibig sabihin niyan
Tatay: Ahh akala ko Ferfect!!
 
Optimistic
QUESTION: What’s an Optimistic Man?
ANSWER: A Man Who Marries His Secretary and Thinks That She Will Still Follow His Orders As Before
 
Experienced
Weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called to HRD office.
“What is the meaning of this?” HRD manager asked. “When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience when in truth this is the first job you’ve ever held.”
“Well,” the young man replied, “in your ad you said you wanted someone with imagination.
 
Walang ulam
“Nay wala na ba tayong ulam?”
“Tignan mo sa ref anak”
“E Nay wala naman tayong ref e.”
“E ano ba ang tanong mo?
 
Who said fill in the blank is easy?
Sige ikaw nga… try natin…
Fill this blank with YES or NO..
__________, I am not a normal person.
 
Fantasy
JOEY: Pare, what’s your biggest fantasy?
MARK: To be kissed by someone in the rain. Eh ikaw?
JOEY: To be… that someone, pare.
 
Anong hanap nyo?
KUNG nakukulitan ka sa mga saleslady na nagtatanong ng, “Ano po ang hinahanap nila?” – sabihin mo sa kanila, “Pagmamahal at pang-unawa.”
Ewan ko na lang kung kukulitin ka pa nila!!!
 
Don’t kiss while driving
BOYFRIEND: (nagmamaneho) Babe, pa-kiss naman, o!
GIRLFRIEND: Ano ka ba?! Nagda-drive ka! Gusto mo bang mabangga tayo? Ako na lang ang ki-kiss sa ‘yo.
BOYFRIEND: Sige, babe…
GIRLFRIEND: Okey… pero…pikit ka muna!!!
 
EX
MISTER: Hon, sino ‘yang tinitingnan mo?
MISIS: Ex ko ‘yan, hon! I heard, lasenggo na siya after our break-up five years ago.
MISTER: Grabe! Ang tagal ng celebration niya!
 
Lesson for today
TEACHER: Our lesson for today is Science. What is Science?
JANINA: Ma’am! Ma’am! Ako, ma’am! Alam ko ang sagot!
TEACHER: Yes, Janina.
JANINA: Science is our lesson for today.
 
Pangarap
DIEGO: Alam mo, pare, pangarap ko ring magkaroon ng Jaguar tulad ng tatay ko.
ARNEL: May Jaguar ang tatay mo?
DIEGO: Wala. Pero pangarap din niya.
 
Nahulog
Boy nahulog sa septic tank sumigaw: “SUNOG! SUNOG! SUNOG!”
Dumating ang bumbero, niligtas siya at tinanong, “Bakit sunog ang sinigaw mo e nasa septic tank ka?”
BOY: kung TAE ba, pupunta kayo? TAE! TAE! TAE! Ganun?
 
Meron
What’s the difference between a high school student from a college student kapag nagkaron? guess?
High school student: “shit! meron ako!”
College student: “yessss! meron ako!
 
Bading nageemote
Ako ay may lobo. Lumipad sa langit. Di ko na makita. Pumutok na pala. Sayang ang pera ko. Pinambili ng lobo. Kung lalaki sana, naaliw pa ako.
 
Me kumupit
Tatay: Isa sa mga anak natin ang kumuha ng pera sa wallet ko!
Nanay: Sobra ka, bakit mo pinagbibintangan ang mga bata? Malay mo, ako ang kumuha!
Tatay: Sure akong hindi ikaw, may natira eh!
 
Busog
ANAK: Busog na po ‘ko
INAY: Ano ka ba?! Ubusin mo ‘yan! Hindi mo ba alam? Napakaraming nagugutom sa buong mundo?!
ANAK: O, tapos? Pag inubos ko po ba ‘to, mabubusog sila, gano’n?
 
Pasosyal
Pasosyal na girl bumaba ng bus.
Ms Pasosyal: “Mr. Conductor, could you help me get my luggage from the compartment. It’s so heavy eh..” 
Konduktor: “Alin ba rito miss?”
Ms Pasosyal: “There oh.. the yellow sako.” 
 
—-00000—-
 
“Let us help you to forget. Let us help you unlock it. It’s not nearly time to quit. You’ve only started. You gotta. Sit down funny face. Let your laughter fill the room. Light up your golden smile. Take away all your misery and gloom.” (Van Morrison)

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