JOKES 2012-04

NAKALIMUTAN

Si Juan nakikipag kwentuhan kay Pedro ang biglang sabi niya..
Juan:    “Pedro may nakalimutan akong sabihin sa iyo.”
Pedro: “Ano un??”
Juan:    “Nakalimutan ko nga ehh. Kulet neto!”
 

KULANG

A Girl went to a bar with her friends when she read the sign: (BELOW 18 NOT ALLOWED!) she turned back and told her friends:
“Ngeeeee! Di tayo puwede pumasok, kulang tayo, 14 lang kasi tau eh. Uwi na tayo.”

 SINONG BOBO?

Habang nagkaklase, nag tanong si teacher na, ” Kung sino sa inyo bobo, sige tumayo,” Biglang tumayo ang isang estudyante.
“Bakit ka tumayo, tanggap mo ba na bobo ka??” tanong ni teacher
Sagot ng estudyante, “Eh kasi po, nalulungkot ako sayo dahil ikaw lang naman ang nakatayo eh..!!

 SIGN IN FRONT OF A HOUSE

 “NO PARKING near my House!
Get Your Own Wireless Network!”
 
MAGBIYENAN NAGTATALO KUNG SINO DAPAT MASUNOD SA BAHAY

MOTHER IN LAW: “My son must listen to me & obey me unless he didn’t suck my breast for more than a year.”
DAUGHTER IN LAW: “Mama, it is my breast he now sucks. He has sucked it for more than 8 years & he’s still sucking.”
MOTHER IN LAW: “I carried him for nine months.”
DAUGHTER IN LAW: “He was only 8 pounds then. I carry him every night, he is now 170 pounds!”

GUARD TO DEATH ROW PRISONER BEFORE EXECUTION

GUARD: “Any last wish?”
PRISONER: “Yes, i would like to update my facebook status to “Died”.”

NAGMAMADALING PASYENTE

JUAN:”Dok, nagmamadali kami, pwede bang bunutin ang ipen ng walang pampamanhid?”
DENTIST:”Wow tapang, alin ba dyan?”
JUAN:”Honey, ipakita mo nga!”

WALANG KAMATAYANG INDAY

AMO:”Inday, di ba utos ko sa yo ipatong mo yung COMFORTER sa kama? Bakit ganito?”
INDAY:”Ginawa ko po sir,isinama ko pa nga ang FRENTER at ISKANER!”

BOSS CRYING

BOSS: “You cannot blackmail me like this!”
EMPLOYEE1: “Why is he crying like that?”
EMPLOYEE2: “Nothing… I just told him that if he does not increase my salary, I will tell everyone in the office that he has increased my salary.”

BAGSAK SA ENGLISH

TATAY: “Anak, magsabi ka ng totoo… bagsak ka daw sa English?”
JUAN: “Tay, who is rumorer  telled you this?”

HISTORY CLASS

TITSER: “Who is the most famous general among Filipinos who said, “I SHALL RETURN”?”
PEDRO: “Gen. Carlos Garcia, mam! He said, “I SHALL RETURN 130 MILLION”…”

WHAT IS A LESBIAN

A kid asks her Mom, “What’s a lesbian?”
“Go ask your dad, SHE will tell you.”

 SICK CHINESE EMPLOYEE

Chinese man rings his boss. “Me no work, I sick.”
His boss says, “When I am sick I sleep with my wife, try that.”
Two hours later, the Chinese man rings back. “Me better, you got nice house and bed!”

BIRTHDAY NG KAMBAL

MAX:”Pare, wag mong kalimutan na may handaan sa bahay bukas! Birthday kasi ng inaanak mong KAMBAL!”
JUAN:”Wow, talaga? Sino sa kanilang dalawa?” 
 

MAGULONG BATA

 May isang magulong bata sa simbahan habang nagmimisa
Priest asked; “Kaninong anak ba itong batang ito?”
A woman shouted: “Atin yan, Father!”.

 

ANOTHER WALANG KAMATAYANG INDAY

AMO:”Bakit iniiwan mong walang takip ang ulam? Lalangawin yan!”
INDAY:”Sigurado pong hende mam!”
AMO:”At bakit?”
INDAY:”Enespreyan ku pu ng Baygun!”

PATAPANGAN

DAGA1:”Matapang ako, kakain ako ng LASON!”
DAGA2:”Matapang ako, maglalaro ako sa MOUSE TRAP!”
DAGA3:”Mga duwag! Manood kayo, manghuhuli ako ng PUSA!”
 

HAYOP

PETER: “Anong hayop ang nagsisimula sa letrang “X?”
JOHNNY: “Meron ba yun?”
PETER: “Meron.”
JOHNNY: “Eh, ano?”
PETER: “X-GF ko! Hayop yun! Inubos ang pera ko!.”
 

NAWAWALANG HEARING AID

OLD MAN: “Doc, I’m so upset. I’ve lost one of my hearing aids. Those things cost a couple of thousand a piece.”
DOCTOR: “I think I know where you can find it. You’ve got a suppository in your ear.”
 

HEALTH SECRETARY REPORTING TO THE SENATE

HEALTH SECRETARY: “Honorable Senators, the population growth rate of our country is very alarming. There is one woman giving birth every thirty minutes.”
Sent. LITO LAPID: “Kailangang masugpo ang problemang ito kaagad. “FIND THAT WOMAN !!”

LION’S WEDDING

At a lion’s wedding, a mouse greeted d groom, “All the best, Brother! Good luck! Haha!”
The lion got angry, “How dare you call me, brother! Me, a lion and you, only a mouse?”
The mouse whispered: “I was also a lion before I got married!”
 

TINURUANG MAGSULAT

ANAK:”Nay, tinuruan po kami ni teacher na magsulat kanina!”
NANAY:”Talaga? ano isinulat nyo?”
ANAK:”Ewan ko po! Di pa po kami tinuruang magbasa eh!”
 

YOU WANT A LOVER? THEN FIND A….

NURSE: Can CURE a broken heart and CARE for you
MASCOM: Can SPEAK OUT the Love
LAWYER: Can JUSTIFY Love
SOLDIER: Can PROTECT the Love
ENGINEER: Can MEASURE, DESIGN AND BUILD Love to a better one
EDUCATOR: Can TEACH you how to move on and love again
Heto ang mas malupet….
HRM: Can MANAGE to give the best taste of love
Kaso me ayaw patalo….
COM SCIENCE: Can easily SHUTDOWN your Ex, REFORMAT your future, and RESTART your Lovelife….. Kaya lang nag-iiwan ng VIRUS
 

—-00000—-

“It starts in my toes, make me crinkle my nose, where ever it goes, I always know that you make me smile.” – Colbie Caillat

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