JOKES – (2013-01)

PAMPATAPANG

Patient: “Doc takot po ako sa bunot”
Dentist: “Heto gamot pampatapang. Inumin mo.”
Patient:  (ininom ang gamot)
Dentist:  “Ano matapang ka na ba?”
Patient:  “Oo Doc! Subukan lang ng kahit sin na galawin  ang ngipin ko, babasagin ko ang bungo!
—0—

HOLDRAPE

Isang pangit na babe, hinoholdap.
Holdaper: “Holdap ito! akin na gamit mo!”
Babae: “RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!”
Holdaper: “Anong rape? holdap nga to eh!”
Babae: “Wala lang! Nagsa-suggest lang.”

—0—

SA ISANG PETSHOP

Customer talking to a parrot…
Customer: “Hoy! can you talk ha?! Bobo!!!”
Parrot: “Yes I can!!! Ikaw? ! Can you fly ha? Mas bobo ka!!!

—0—

PARI

Priest: “Ang mga bading ay walang lugar sa kaharian ng langit”
Mga Bading: Carry lang po father…dun na lang kami sa rainbow mag slide-slide!!!”

—0—

TAPAT

Bobo: “Pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula sa letter A”
Pare: “Approachable?”
Bobo: “Wrong!”
Pare: “Amiable?
Bobo: “Wrong pa rin.”
Pare: “O sige sirit na!”
Bobo: “I’m ANEST. Hehehe!!!

—0—

CHECK UP

Girl: “Doc, pacheck-up po”
Doc: “Sige hubad ka ng panty at bra tapos higa ka rito.”
Girl: “Hindi po ako, itong lola ko po.”
Doc: “Sige lola, hinga lang po ng malalim.”

—0—

MANA SA AMA

Farmer: “Lalaki na talaga ang aking anak kasi magsasaka na…ano ang balak mo itanim sa sakahan mo anak?”
Anak: “Flowers papa!!! Madaming madaming flowers!  O pretty diba?”

https://i1.wp.com/www.mrwallpaper.com/wallpapers/Funny-Apple-Knife-1920x1200.jpg

—0—

BEAUTY EXPERT

A cosmetic surgeon is talking to a friend when a pretty woman came in, kiss him & said: “Thanks for turning me into a princess!”
FRIEND: “Sino yan?”
DOCTOR: “Ah mother-in-law ko.”
Later, a more beautiful lady walked in & also kissed & thanked him.
FRIEND: “Wow! Sino naman yan? Parang supermodel!”
DOCTOR: “Asawa ko.”
Then a 3rd & even more beautiful woman with a perfect body & huge breasts came in, slapped him & yelled.
“You bugger! Look what you’ve done to me. You have ruined my life!”
The friend looked at the surgeon who shook his head & said: “Huwag mong pansinin yan FATHER – IN-LAW ko yan!”

—0—

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

WIFE: “Today is our wedding anniversary, what should we do?”
HUSBAND: “Well, let us stand in silence for two minutes!”

—0—

LASING

Isang lasing nasalubong ang matabang babae na may kasamang aso
Lasing: “Hoy, saan mo nakuha yang baboy?”
Babae:  “Aso ito hindi baboy! “
Lasing:  “Huwag ka ngang sumabat na baboy ka! Itong aso ang kausap ko!”

—0—

TENGA

Aksidenteng naputol ng isang construction worker ang kanyang tenga ng electric saw. Nahulog ito habang may dumadaang lalaki.
WORKER: “Sir, Boss, Mama, pakipulot nga iyong naputol kong tenga baka matapakan pa ng iba. Bababa ako at papadala sa ospital.”
LALAKI: (Pinulot sabay pakita sa worker) “Ito ba?”
WORKER: “Ay hindi po iyan. Iyong tenga ko kasi na naputol me nakasuksok na lapis.”

—0—

PAPASUKIN MO AKO

Question: Kung ang iyong asawa ay nagtatalak sa harapan ng bahay at ang iyong aso ay tahol na tahol sa likod para papasukin, sino ang un among papapasukin?
Answer: Ang aso siyempre. At least pagpasok niya ng bahay, tatahimik na siya.

—0—

MAGICAL TIME

Christmas is truly a magical time..
It made all our money disappear.

—0—

MISTER, LASING UMUWI

MISIS: “Lasing ka na naman?!”
MISTER: “Sorry, hon. Inimbita ako ng mga officemates ko. Konting inuman.”
MISIS: “Tanga! Anong officemates? Tricycle driver ka, gago!”

—0—

BALL GAMES

Men at 25 play football.
Men at 40 play tennis.
Men at 60 play golf.
Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?

—0—

PRESERVATION

GIRL1: “I didn’t sleep with my husband before we were married, did you?”
GIRL2: “I don’t know. What’s your husband’s name again?”

—0—

PROBLEMA

HUSBAND: “May malaki akong problema.”
WIFE: “Huwag mong sabihing problema mo lang. Problema natin dahil mag-asawa tayo. O, ngayon ano ang problema natin?
HUSBAND: “Nabuntis natin si Inday at tayo ang ama.”

—0—

BARBER SHOP

BOY: “Pa-trim po ako..”
BARBERO: “Ah, bawasan lang natin ‘no?”
BOY: “Nasa sayo po kung gusto mong dagdagan!”

—0—

MAY-DECEMBER AFFAIR

GIRL: “I’m 16 and my boyfriend is 40, is that BAD?”
MOTHER: “You spelled DAD incorrectly!”

—0—

MAG-FOCUS KAYO

GURO: “Sino ang Pangulo ng Bolivia?”
JUAN: “I don’t know ma’am.”
GURO: “Kailangan mo magfocus ng husto sa iyong pag-aaral.”
JUAN: “Ma’am, puwede magtanong?”
TEACHER: “Yes..”
JUAN: “Kilala ninyo si Bernadette?”
TEACHER: “Hindi. Bakit?”
JUAN: “Kailangan ninyo mag focus ng husto sa inyong asawa.”

—0—

NAKAPAGLIGTAS

ANAK: “Tay, nailigtas ko ang isang babae sa pagkaka-rape kahapon!”
TATAY: “Magaling. Iyan ang anak ko. Talagang maipagmamalaki kita. Paano mo nagawa iyon?”
ANAK: “Di ko siya pinilit. Nakumbinsi ko siya.”

—0—

DALIRI

Isang construction worker (kasama noong nauna na naputulan ng tenga) ang aksidente na naputol ang 10 daliri ng electric saw. Dali dali siyang dinala sa Emergency Room ng pinakalapit na ospital.
DOCTOR: “Ibigay mo sa akin ang naputol na mga daliri at tignan ko ang magagawa ko.”
WORKER: “Hindi ko po nadala ang naputol na daliri”
DOCTOR: “Bakit di mo dinala?”
WORKER: “Doc, hindi ko po mapulot.”

—0—

LAWYER

A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge.

—0—

HUWAG MONG TAKUTIN MGA BATA

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he asks.
“I’m having a heart attack!” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Ang Driver nating si Johnny ay nasa loob ng inyong closet sa kuwarto, at hubo’t hubad siya!”
He slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife.
He rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his Driver, totally naked, cowering on the floor.
“Walanghiya ka!” sigaw ng lalaki. “Inaatake na sa puso ang asawa ko, imbes na paandarin mo ang sasakyan ay nagtatakbo ka sa loob ng bahay ng hubo’t hubad at tinakot mo pa ang mga bata.” —0—

NEWLY WEDS

Galing sa honeymoon ang bagong kasal pero hindi naguusap. Tinanong ng BFF ng lalaki kung bakit parang magkagalit sila.
LALAKI: “Well, pagkatapos namin noong unang gabi ay wala sa sariling inilagay ko ang P1,000 sa ibabaw ng kama bago ako pumunta ng CR”
BFF: “Ah. Huwag mong masyadong alalahanin iyon. Makakalimutan din iyon ng asawa mo. Mahalaga ay kasal na kayo.”
LALAKI: “Hindi iyon ang problema. Sinuklian niya ako ng P200.”

—0—

BAOG

Doctor, my husband is 300% impotent.
“I’m not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?”
“Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger.”

—0—

ECONOMY

Erap disembarked from a PAL flight and was met by reporter who asked, “Sir, what do you think of the economy?”
Erap: “I don’t know. I was seated in the first class, ‘no!”

—0—

LAB NA LAB

Misis: “Darling, akala ko ba, mahal mo ako.”
Mister: “Oo nga! Handa akong mamatay alang-alang sayo.”
Misis:  “Sus! Puro ka naman satsat, hindi mo naman ginagawa!”

—0—

HOLDUP

Lalaki: ”Ikaw na naman? Tatlong beses mo na akong na-holdup ngayong taon ah!”
Holdaper: “Ganu’n talaga brod. Inaalagaan ang good customer”
 

—-000—-

“You might feel laughter in the sun but laughter might help us when were done.” – Toploader

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