JOKES (2013-02)

LIFELINE.
DOCTOR: “I’m sorry to tell you but you’re going to die soon.”
PATIENT: “How long Doc?” DOCTOR: “10.”
PATIENT: “10 months?”
DOCTOR: “9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4……..”
*
LUCKY GUY
Girl told a fortune teller, “I’ve got two boyfriends. Who’s the lucky guy?”
Astrologer replied, “The second one will marry you. The first is the lucky guy.”
 
*
DALAWANG MATANDA NAGUUSAP
Lalake1: “70th birthday ko kahapon, alam mo ba niregaluhan ako ng asawa ko ng SUV!”
Lalake2: “Wow! Nakakagulat naman, isipin mo SUV yun pare. Napakandang regalo!”
Lalake1: “Oo nga ehh.. Socks, Underwear, Viagra!”
*
RING
The girl asked her lover, “Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?”
“Sure, ” replied her lover “What’s your phone number?” *
*
SEPTIC TANK HOME SERVICE
JUAN: “Hello, humihigop ba kayo ng TAE sa poso negro?”
MANONG: “Opo sir! Bakit po?”
JUAN: “Masarap?”
*
BALD TALK
If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker. If he is bald at the back, he is sexy. If he is bald from front to back – he thinks he is sexy.
*
MORE RELIABLE
A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, “I heard you died.”
“But you see I’m alive ,” smiled the friend.
“Impossible,” said the psychiatrist. “The man who told me is much more reliable than you.”
 
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*
NAHULI NI GF SI BF
GF: “Langya ka! May babae ka. Di ako makapaniwalang pinagpalit mo na ko.”
BF: “Hindi kita pinagpalit.”
GF: “Lokohin mong nanay mo, kitang kita ko naghahalikan kayo, pinagpapalit mo ko.”
BF: “Ang kulit ha, hindi nga kita pinagpalit… dinagdagan lang kita.”
LESSON: Wag nambibintang agad-agad.
*
Don’t lie. Don’t cheat. Don’t steal. Don’t sell drugs. Don’t kill. The House of Congress hates competition!
*
COURT SCENE
1st Lawyer: Gago ka!
2nd Lawyer: Tarantado ka!
Judge : Ang ating mga pinagpipitagan at edukadong mga abogado ay nagkakilala na, maaari na tayong magsimula ng paglilitis.
*
NALOKO ANG KAPITBAHAY
JUN: “Pre, pinagtatawanan ka ng mga kapitbahay mo ah.. ang ingay niyo daw maglambingan ng misis mo kagabi!”
CHITO: “Hahaha! Naloko namin sila. Eh wala naman ako sa bahay kagabi!”
*
IRRESISTIBLE TO WOMEN
A man asked a fairy to make him desirable and irresistible to all women.. She turned him into a credit card!
*
FEELING YOUNG
Two  old men were in the sitting on a bench and one said to the other, “How old do you honestly feel?”
“Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I’ve got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself.”
 
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*
TAMAD NA ASAWA
WIFE: “Sawang sawa na ako sa iyong katamaran. Magimpake ka na. Lumayas ka na rito!”
HUSBAND:  “Ipag-empake mo ako!”
*
FATHER: “You took my daughter’s virginity!” GUY: “Sorry sir, it won’t happen again.”
*
MAYAMANG BABAE, PINALALAYAS SI INDAY
INDAY: “Sige maam aalis na po ako pero bago yan eh gusto kong malaman mo na tinuturing ako ni sir na mas magaling magluto, mas magaling maglinis ng bahay at mas magaling magalaga ng bata.”
Nagtimpi ng galit si misis sa insulto.
INDAY: “Tsaka nga pala, mas magaling daw ako sa kama kesa sa ‘yo!”
MISIS: “Sinabi ng mister ko sayo yan?”
INDAY: “Hindi madam, yung drayber niyo. Nyahahaha”
*
INTERNET
GIRL: “Nearly 40% of the internet is Pornography.”
GUY: “Are you telling me I’ve never seen 60% of the internet.”
*
TWO OLD MEN TALKING
Someone asked an old man, “You’re 80 years old but you still call your wife “Darling,” “Honey,” “Luv…” What’s the secret?”
Old man replied, “I forgot her name 10 years ago and I’m scared to ask her.”
 
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*
DOCTOR AND LAWYER
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. 
*
BLANK SIGNBOARD
A priest, seeing a blank signboard hanging on a lamppost wrote upon it: “I pray for all.”
A Solicitor wrote underneath: “I plead for all.”
A doctor added: “I prescribe for all.”
A simple citizen wrote: “I pay for all.” *
*
BRO & SIS
Wife : you delivered an excellent speech.
Hubby : Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools & idiots.
Wife : Is that why you addressed them as your brothers & sisters?
 
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*
SPEECH
After a dinner speech, the speaker scolded his secretary: “Bakit ba ang haba ng inihanda mong speech para sa akin. Nakita mo, bored at inaantok ang mga nakikinig sa akin!”
The secretary replied, “Sir, di po iyon mahaba. Kasalanan ko po. Naiabot ko sa inyo ang 3 copies nung speech”
*
MAY NAMAMAGITAN
Kapag ba umupo ako sa tabi mo tapos may umupo sa gitna natin ang ibig sabihin ba nun, MAY NAMAMAGITAN SA ‘TIN?
 

—-000—-

“Let us help you to forget. Let us help you unlock it. It’s not nearly time to quit. You’ve only started. You gotta sit down funny face. Let your laughter fill the room. Light up your golden smile. Take away all your misery and gloom. Let your laughter fill the room.” – Van Morrison

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