ASAWA INATAKE SA PUSO
HUSBAND: “Tumawag ka ng ambulansiya Honey, inaatake ako sa puso!”
WIFE: (kinuha ang cellphone ng asawa) “Dali Hon, ibigay mo sa akin ang password!”
HUSBAND: “Okay na ako Honey. Maayos na pakiramdam ko!”
LALAKI KUMATOK SA KAPITBAHAY
“Pasensiya na pare,” ang kanyang sabi “ alam ko na pagod ka galing sa trabaho, pero kailangan ko ng tulong mo.”
“Anong tulong pare?” ang tanong ng kapitbahay.
“Alam mo di ako makapasok sa bahay, tulog na tulog naman ang asawa ko, kanina pa ako katok ng katok at tawag ng tawag. Iyon susi ko kasi ay nalimutan ko sa aking jacket na naiwan ko nakasampay sa tabi ng kama namin.”
“Anong gusto mong gawin ko pare?” tanong uli ni kapitbahay.
“Puwede ba pakidukot mo lang ang susi sa jacket ko na napalipat ang sampay sa kuwarto mo?”
LALAKI GUSTO PAKASAL
“Your honor,” said a young man. “I’d like to get married please.”
“All right, what’s you age?”
“And the bride’s?”
“She’s 15 sir.”
“15? That’s too young and against the law!”
“I see,” said the young man. “Could you explain that to the man next to her with a shotgun?”
GIRL WAITING FOR HIS GUY
GIRL: “Babe, where u na?”
GUY: “Naghihintay ng bus.”
GIRL: “Bilisan mo babe, inip na ako.”
GUY: “Okay, babe, Bibilisan ko paghihintay.”
A cop pulls over a car, and he asked “Sir, do you know how badly your car was swerving between lanes?”
The offender replied, “I’ve had 8 martinis, officer.”
“That’s no excuse to let your wife drive…,” the cop said back.
OF LADY TAXI DRIVER
When I see a woman driving a taxi, I smile and think how far our society have come in terms of gender equality…
And then I wait for the next taxi.
DALAWANG LALAKI NAGBABASA NG SULAT SA MGA NITSO
KANOR: “Pare, heto o 88 years old ng mamatay!”
PANDOY: “Mas matindi ito pare, 102 ng mamatay.”
KANOR: “Oh, mas grabe ito, 150.”
PANDOY: “Wow! Anong pangalan pare.”
MICK: “Kilometers from Baguio!”
To all the women that wear a lot of make-up:
Take it easy, it is called a FACE…
Not a COLORING BOOK!
ASAWANG LALAKI NAGMUMURA SA CONDOMINIUM
Lalaki: “Ang gagong janitor nagyayabang na lahat na babae sa building na ito ay nasipingan na niya, puwera lang daw ang isa.”
Babae, napangiti: , “Hmmmmmmmmm, seguro si Ms Cruz, yong pangit na nakatira sa 8th floor ang hindi lang niya nasipingan.”
DALAWANG LASING NAGLALAKAD SA RILES NG TREN…
LASING1 : “Pre . anhirap naman netong hagdan! Andaming steps!
LASING2 : “Di lang yan pre! Ambaba pa ng hawakan!
BUNTIS NAGLILIHI SA ITIM NA MANGGA
PATROCINIA: “Gusto ko ng itim na mangga.”
PROCOPIO: “Eh wala namang itim na mangga?”
Naglalakad sa kagubatan, may nakita si Procopio na puno ng mangga. May bunga doon ng itim na mangga, dalawa nga lang. Pinilit ni Procopio na pitasin ang itim na mangga
KAPRE: “Amang, itlog ko yan.”
FIRST BOYFRIEND DAW
On wedding night, man asks wife: “Akala ko ba first boyfriend mo ko? Bakit? hindi ka na virgin?”
WIFE: “Ikaw talaga ang first boyfriend ko. Yung iba, customers ko lang. Peks man!”
Martin Andanar, the Presidential Communications Operations Office chief, says the Du30 administration may publish it’s own tabloid. They haven’t decided yet what to call the tabloid but Du30 is keen on calling it, “Balitang Ina Mo.”
PERKS OF BEING 60 YEARS AND ABOVE
Kidnappers aren’t interested in you.
In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
No one expects you to run – anywhere.
People call at 8pm and ask, “Did I wake you up?”
SUPERMAN TAKING A PLANE
As I stood swaying at the British Airways ticket counter, the sales agent asked, “May I help you, sir?” “Yes,” I slurred as I unzipped my Superman costume to get my wallet, “one way ticket to Amsterdam please.” “You’re unable to fly, sir,” he replied. “You’re too drunk.” I said, “I know, mate, that’s why I’m getting a plane.”
BOSS: “I think you’re not too bright at all. But you have come early to work for the past two years. You deserve a reward. “
EMPLOYEE: “Thanks, boss! What’s my reward then? “
BOSS: “How does a brand new car sound? “
EMPLOYEE: “Vroom, vroom…”
APPLICANT BEING INTERVIEWED
INTERVIEWER: “Why did you leave your previous job?”
APPLICANT: “Because once they fire you, they won’t let you stay!”
AT MIDNIGHT… WIFE’S MOBILE PHONE BEEPS.
Husband checks it & gets angry. He wakes his wife up.
HUSBAND: (angry) “Who is this person saying “beautiful”?”
Surprised, wife checks her mobile phone.
WIFE: (very angry) “Hey! Use your eyeglass… ‘It’s not beautiful… It’s battery full!!’”
GIRL ANNOUNCED HER ENGAGEMENT TO HER FATHER.
FATHER: “Does this fellow have any money?”
GIRL: “Oh! Dad, you men are all alike. That’s exactly what he asked me about you!”
APO NAGYAYABANG SA LOLA
APO: “Lola, ako po ang pinaka-unang natuto ng ABC sa school!”
LOLA: “Very good ka, apo, wag mayabang!”
APO: “Lola, ako din pinaka-mabilis magbilang ng 1 to 10.”
LOLA: “Ok yan, wag kang makulit ha!”
APO: “Lola, ako na rin pinaka-matangkad sa school!”
LOLA: “Malamang! grade 1 ka lang pero disiotso ka nang hinayupak ka!”
KASAMBAHAY PINAGLINIS NG REF
A lady of the house returned home one afternoon and asked her new maid, “Did you clean out the refrigerator as I told you?”
“Yes, ma’am,” replied the maid. “And everything was delicious!”
GUWAPO BA AKO?
Mommy, guwapo ba ako?”
“Itanong mo sa girlfriend mo.”
“Wala akong girlfriend, Mommy.”